Remember, never stick anything in your ear larger than a pirate.

Posted by Brian Sun, 06 Jan 2008 17:36:00 GMT

I embarked on an epic journey Friday night to watch every episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 on Friday night. I figure it will take me at least a four or five years to go through all 198 episodes. There are two reasons for me writing reviews as I go along. First, so that I can have a written record of my view on the series . And second, because I’m really bad at writing reviews. If I can’t get better at it after 198 tries, then that’s probably a sign to give up. So, without further ado…

Experiment K04 - Gamera vs. Barugon

Gamera vs. Barugon presents the absurdity of a Japanese giant-monster movie with the added benefit of riffing. In traditional fashion a mystical egg (mistaken as an opal) is stolen from a mystical island where it was guarded by a mystical people and transforms into a mystical monster when exposed to radiation. Oh, and this radiation was being used to treat athlete’s foot.

The movie features all the staples of a Japanese giant-monster movie. Poorly dubbed voice acting and bad translations are the norm. In the usual science scene most of these movies have, where some psuedo-science is usually paraded about as a way to destroy the monster, we get the incredible line, “If an expectant mother is exposed to radioactivity, a freak may be born.” The term freak is then passed back and forth in hilarious display of political incorrectness. Watching that whole scene, the absurdity makes it seem like it might as well be Joel, Servo, and Crow riffing.

Most people watch these for movies one reason and one reason only though. Because watching grown men in costumes tackle each other in model cities is hilarious. And who can forget a man in a turtle suit fighting a man in an iguana suit. Nobody, that’s who. Even if you want to. Desperately. Oh, and the iguana fires rainbows at things. Destructive rainbows. The kind an angry, alcoholic, leprechaun makes I think.

The riffing itself was pretty slim through the whole movie. They were definitely still honing their craft at this point. There was a running gag on chapstick for the last half of the episode (the caller had asked for more slapstick, but they misunderstood it as chapstick). The gem of the episode comes from a rant by Crow in one of the host segments.

I’ve been thinking about this chapstick, and it really helps our side to use as much chapstick as possible, although as a lubricant, it’s awful. I prefer 10W40, or 10W30 in the winter, or 5W30 or any lubricant with a heavy viscosity, though many orifices of the body produce their own lubricants or secretions. My favorite orifices are: the nose, the ear - the ear produces a gelatinous, wax-like substance which can be removed with a swab. Not to be confused with a swabby. Remember, never stick anything in your ear larger than a pirate. This could cause severe pillaging. “Arr! Jim-boy! Pieces of meat! What’s in those barrels anyway?”

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